Discovery of RSS

I still don't know what RSS stands for.

I was simply amazed by the speed that my last post received replies and verbal comments. Who would keep coming back to my blog that I post to once in a blue moon? Thanks to Paul, now I know. I also have less of an excuse not to read other blogs...

The biggest surprises from my last post were the concerned questions of suicide from a couple friends. I just reread the post and can see how the last line could point that way. The "not contributing to the sadness in the world" was in reference to my writing, NOT my life.

Major thanks to the replies. They help tremendously.
-Limiting the writing duration to help prevent endless dwelling in ... muck. Plus so much more. (Who is able to sum up Gary's ideas other than Gary?)

-Experiencing the sadness is good, but "don't stop in hell..."

-Allowing the sadness to flow onto the page where it remains

Thank you all

Sunday

I just filled out a "Tibetan Personality Test" that my sister sent several weeks/months ago. Part of question #2 was to give my one word response to the word "sea." I replied "distance," which is supposed to reference My Life. I think this says it all.

I feel so lonely just now. No wonder when I have spent my life creating a false facade, a desire for my own space, separation between myself and "the world." Now that I actually try to find myself and not just the "me" I think others want to see, I find a deep loneliness yet still a deep hesitation to reach out. Bottom line is that I am afraid and have no idea of what.

Writing seems to help. Last week a spotted a book on a friend's shelf that contains an edited compilation of journal entries by a monk named Thomas Merton. I have been reading his entries in order to learn how to simply journal my own thoughts freely. I tend to order my thoughts as if I was formulating an essay, and in the end feel like I'm writing for others rather than to understand myself.

I don't know if this will make sense to others or even have any interest but it is what I have to say. It just seems that every time that I open my mouth or take up pen to speak of my self, nothing but sadness comes out...
which makes me all the sadder.

This world has too much pain and separation for me to continue to be a contributor.

Lenten Meditations

Lent is roughly half over, so that makes this post about three weeks out of date. I'm not worrying it much however because on this blog anything newer than two years out of date is current.

In my local church community of LGBC, the church's Easter traditions are valued highly and usually looked forward to with much anticipation. Peep Jousting may not be Canonical, but it is followed with great enthusiasm around here. I was extremely surprised last year when the wearing of ashes on Ash Wednesday caused many conversations at work and throughout the day. The few people who even new of the event, once they had been reminded, were confused about a "Protestant" taking part in a "Catholic" tradition. I guess my "back woods Bible belt" home town was more advanced theologically through its Ministerial Alliance than I had believed. This Alliance was a regular meeting of several Pastors, Ministers, Fathers, etc... from the local area that included Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, Episcopalian, and Non Denominational. These leaders actively tried to bring their congregations together especially in the celebrations around Lent.

Anyway, fast forward to today. Many things are different this year, mostly because this Easter I'm married! I spent some time before Lent considering what I should give up only to focus on things that seemed rather meaningless to me this year. However, on Ash Wednesday, my thoughts were suddenly drawn to an issue in a way that I had never seen it before. In the course of about three days I was repeatedly made aware of how selfish I was with my time.

I am embarrassed to share this but I am working desperately to become a man who no longer hides away in shame. That is part of what Lent is about right? The giving up of oneself, the sometimes painful cleaving to God, and facing the ills in oneself that this often reveals. For me, I had been jealously guarding my time for myself. Looking back, I see that it started before I can remember with my family, friendships, work, and God. Deep inside, I viewed those as activities, that once taken care of, I could then move on to myself. I was not able to be present in those times, so I clearly divided those times from the times that I felt safe to be myself... hidden away from the world.

Does anyone see where the act of being married, living together daily in the same space, could be affected by this? Yes, I was a jerk. I tried to be as pleasant about it as I could. After all, I had years of practice "graciously letting" people have "my time." I also had plenty of experience of hiding this understanding from myself, so I felt fully justified and righteous in my actions. I am ashamed to say that I have treated my wife the same way for the first nine months of our marriage. I enjoyed spending time with her, but in the back of my mind, I always had the thought that afterwards I would be able to "rest in my time." I'm not saying that alone time is bad. On the contrary it is fabulous and needed, but my trouble was hanging onto the importance of my alone time so tightly that all else, including my time with Angela became secondary to me, to my neediness. I could not freely enjoy coming home in the evening or spending the weekend together because I was focused on my time and how I would feel in it after I had given the "required time" to her.


So, I am giving up "my time" for Lent, or rather the protective box that "my time" represented. I see the view that I need to give up. I even see part of the pain and self doubt in me that supports this view. My daily prayer to God this lent is that He would reveal within me what replaces this hiding and shame.

Peace to you all. May this Lent be as important to you in drawing closer to God and to each other as it is being for me, but with immensely less pain.
Curran

Scout of the Week

I can't think of a more fitting way to officially begin my blogging career again than to reinstate the "Scout of the Week." Here we see a beautifully restored '78 Scout Traveller. She's just a little shinier than my old '77.

Anger

I have been receiving pressure to start blogging again for about, oh, two years. Well, after an hour struggling to remember my old user name and password, then updating my information only to discover it was the wrong user name... Yes, I am not the most computer savy individual on this planet. suffice it to say that I persevered and have now returned to my electronic haven.

Only to discover!!
That my last post of over a year ago had a couple dozen XXX replies!! I know that I am to blame for not policing my site, but come on now! How amazingly bored and lost must people be to post this trash to random sites?

So, my first act of this night was to find the delete button. Now I need to check the rest of my old posts...

Anyway folks, I'm back and have a large enough group of people with big sticks standing behind me that I should continue to write from now on. Next post should have something worth reading.

Temporary Suspension of Hiatus

I have a new place. I have a new job. Disturbingly, I have a cell phone, or as I like to refer to it, my Intrusive Mobile Phone Answering Service or IMPAS.

These changes in my demographic profile have resulted in limiting my access to computer while dramatically increasing the amount of time I am involved in community activities. Result? No new blog posts for which I have been railed on by several people. I'm not promising new and exciting posts every week but I think it is safe to say that you can count on something sooner than once a quarter.

As for now the beautiful day is sultry whispering my name. Of course that might just be the hint of daffodiles on the wind. Either way, the sunshine wins... I will return anon.

Changes

How does a guy begin to choose what to write about? The mealstrom that has become my life does not seem to be dying down any time soon. (I have a sneaky suspicion that this is what life looks like...) Anyway, the balsa raft that keeps me afloat in the midst of things seems to be doing better at riding out the waves rather than crashing through them at the moment. I think I found it capsized on top of me a couple of times too.

I suppose this is what the apostle Paul is referencing when he comments on being content in Christ. The waves of the world and tides of emotion fluctuate and swirl, never seeming to diminish in strength, but being founded on Jesus' strength and love allows all that turmoil to flow beneath your feet time after time. Peace enters as I find myself no longer emersed in the waves fighting for each breath.

Anyway, I wish that I could speak in specifics just now, but every subject seems so compicated and involved with back stories that my tired mind cringes from even thinking them into writing. Its not that complicated though. Jesus. That's it in a nutshell. I've spent years looking for Him. I've searched my soul, Josh McDowell books, foreign contries, and Norwegian Spam consiracies, but never seemed close. Then somewhere recently, I stopped "looking" and started "doing."

I have a small truck, so I help friends when the move their stuff. I have rudimentary knowledge and experience in construction and vehicle maintenance, so I help friends who are working on their houses or cars. I think it really hit me about a week ago. I had spent several hours trying to replace the alternator in the Poe's car. It took a second day to finish it (drat these Japanese midgit cars) but it finally worked and I thought no more about it until Julie mentioned how God blessed them immesurably the previous week. There were several gifts and acts of kindness from many people that she mentioned, and among the list was my name and contribution to their car. I've always known that God is supposed to be "using" us, but untill that moment it never really clicked with me. I had always been looking at where or who I should be for God to be using me. I stopped worrying about that around a month ago; I mean I really stopped worrying about it. I started listening to what God was saying, not just the areas I thought He needed to be speaking to me about or leading me in. I let my actions become natural. I did what I naturally wanted to do and could do. And suddenly, BAM I find that what I just did was used by God to bless someone.

I know that what I can accomplish is practically nothing. So, I've spent years trying to change myself somehow so that God could work through me. Now I realize that all that talk and looking was me trying to plot my own course. Sure I said I was looking for God's plan, but what I really was seeking was something grand enought that I could accept it as God's plan. Not my place to judge that. I suppose what I'm saying is that I actually surrendered all of that and just started being me. And there He was! My insignificant natural desires, tendencies, and now actions are being worked through. Who would have thought that what God has been after all this time was just me? I can't even describe what it feels like. Its amazing. I've just discovered that the two greatest desires in my life (obeying God and being me) and not only compatible, but are actually designed to be one, and I really like the man that results from this.