Sunday

I just filled out a "Tibetan Personality Test" that my sister sent several weeks/months ago. Part of question #2 was to give my one word response to the word "sea." I replied "distance," which is supposed to reference My Life. I think this says it all.

I feel so lonely just now. No wonder when I have spent my life creating a false facade, a desire for my own space, separation between myself and "the world." Now that I actually try to find myself and not just the "me" I think others want to see, I find a deep loneliness yet still a deep hesitation to reach out. Bottom line is that I am afraid and have no idea of what.

Writing seems to help. Last week a spotted a book on a friend's shelf that contains an edited compilation of journal entries by a monk named Thomas Merton. I have been reading his entries in order to learn how to simply journal my own thoughts freely. I tend to order my thoughts as if I was formulating an essay, and in the end feel like I'm writing for others rather than to understand myself.

I don't know if this will make sense to others or even have any interest but it is what I have to say. It just seems that every time that I open my mouth or take up pen to speak of my self, nothing but sadness comes out...
which makes me all the sadder.

This world has too much pain and separation for me to continue to be a contributor.