Changes

How does a guy begin to choose what to write about? The mealstrom that has become my life does not seem to be dying down any time soon. (I have a sneaky suspicion that this is what life looks like...) Anyway, the balsa raft that keeps me afloat in the midst of things seems to be doing better at riding out the waves rather than crashing through them at the moment. I think I found it capsized on top of me a couple of times too.

I suppose this is what the apostle Paul is referencing when he comments on being content in Christ. The waves of the world and tides of emotion fluctuate and swirl, never seeming to diminish in strength, but being founded on Jesus' strength and love allows all that turmoil to flow beneath your feet time after time. Peace enters as I find myself no longer emersed in the waves fighting for each breath.

Anyway, I wish that I could speak in specifics just now, but every subject seems so compicated and involved with back stories that my tired mind cringes from even thinking them into writing. Its not that complicated though. Jesus. That's it in a nutshell. I've spent years looking for Him. I've searched my soul, Josh McDowell books, foreign contries, and Norwegian Spam consiracies, but never seemed close. Then somewhere recently, I stopped "looking" and started "doing."

I have a small truck, so I help friends when the move their stuff. I have rudimentary knowledge and experience in construction and vehicle maintenance, so I help friends who are working on their houses or cars. I think it really hit me about a week ago. I had spent several hours trying to replace the alternator in the Poe's car. It took a second day to finish it (drat these Japanese midgit cars) but it finally worked and I thought no more about it until Julie mentioned how God blessed them immesurably the previous week. There were several gifts and acts of kindness from many people that she mentioned, and among the list was my name and contribution to their car. I've always known that God is supposed to be "using" us, but untill that moment it never really clicked with me. I had always been looking at where or who I should be for God to be using me. I stopped worrying about that around a month ago; I mean I really stopped worrying about it. I started listening to what God was saying, not just the areas I thought He needed to be speaking to me about or leading me in. I let my actions become natural. I did what I naturally wanted to do and could do. And suddenly, BAM I find that what I just did was used by God to bless someone.

I know that what I can accomplish is practically nothing. So, I've spent years trying to change myself somehow so that God could work through me. Now I realize that all that talk and looking was me trying to plot my own course. Sure I said I was looking for God's plan, but what I really was seeking was something grand enought that I could accept it as God's plan. Not my place to judge that. I suppose what I'm saying is that I actually surrendered all of that and just started being me. And there He was! My insignificant natural desires, tendencies, and now actions are being worked through. Who would have thought that what God has been after all this time was just me? I can't even describe what it feels like. Its amazing. I've just discovered that the two greatest desires in my life (obeying God and being me) and not only compatible, but are actually designed to be one, and I really like the man that results from this.