Sunday
I just filled out a "Tibetan Personality Test" that my sister sent several weeks/months ago. Part of question #2 was to give my one word response to the word "sea." I replied "distance," which is supposed to reference My Life. I think this says it all.
I feel so lonely just now. No wonder when I have spent my life creating a false facade, a desire for my own space, separation between myself and "the world." Now that I actually try to find myself and not just the "me" I think others want to see, I find a deep loneliness yet still a deep hesitation to reach out. Bottom line is that I am afraid and have no idea of what.
Writing seems to help. Last week a spotted a book on a friend's shelf that contains an edited compilation of journal entries by a monk named Thomas Merton. I have been reading his entries in order to learn how to simply journal my own thoughts freely. I tend to order my thoughts as if I was formulating an essay, and in the end feel like I'm writing for others rather than to understand myself.
I don't know if this will make sense to others or even have any interest but it is what I have to say. It just seems that every time that I open my mouth or take up pen to speak of my self, nothing but sadness comes out...
which makes me all the sadder.
This world has too much pain and separation for me to continue to be a contributor.
posted by Curran | 6:11 PM
3 Comments:
Curran,
Don't despair that you have nothing to say but sorrowful reflections and less-than-positive thoughts about yourself and the world around you. Actually, that is a wonderful thing. It shows you are actually... thinking. You are awake. You are observing. Simply being aware, even of your own despairing reflections and perspective on things right now, puts you waaaaay ahead of others who pass through their days oblivious to their state and fail to acknowledge or address the deeper issues that are nonetheless, continuously surrounding them.
Now, having said that, revelation and catharsis can come AFTER deciding to persist, work through one's rather negative view of things. (I spent a good 3-4 years or more having rather negative thoughts and a dark perspective of life regularly expressed in my poetry and enjoyed the exercise, even though I didn't know it was an exercise at the time. I just thought I was exploring what I felt and saw and trusted God that this was a good thing... and as it turned out, it was.)
You may find that confidential, private journaling (non-blog) can play an interesting and productive role in this, more than simply therapeutic, but serving even as an educational tool for yourself. I would suggest possibly setting some limits on it for a while if that's what it takes to get you out of a "long, novel writing" style and into a brief or concise expression. You may want to try a dicipline of blind journaling for only a specific number of minutes, maybe 5. You would not rethink, organize or massage your thoughts into an "editorial" but simply write in a pure "stream of thought" mode and then STOP for that day when the timer goes off. On some days you may decide to limit your total writing to only "X" number of sentences or lines (maybe 10?). This exercise would require you to be very concise rather than rambling but would still have a specific time limit of "x" number of minutes (maybe 10?) to do this within. In each discipline, you quit when your time is up, even though you may think you are not finished. The purpose of each of these disciplines is to eliminate the "work" or burdone that you can inadvertently turn journaling into. When it becomes a long, tedious "job", it will lose its appeal and significance. It is also less likely it will be read and reflected upon in the future when you try to mark your progress via your previous journal entries. Short entries are easily re-read, skimmed and can tell you a lot in a short space.
Just some thoughts,
Gary
Curran,
(((hugs))) and ditto to everything Gary said. I've heard (and spoken) much in 12-step meetings of the fear, once one stops anesthetizing and starts facing reality, of the fear of being "the hole in the doughnut", which is very real and must be experienced in order to heal and grow beyond it to better places. Love the saying "if you're going through hell, don't stop." Much encouragement and affirmation to you. Gail
Curran,
Consider letting the sadness be on the page, and not having to hold it inside you. Let journaling be a giving of what you bear.
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