Lost in the Cosmos

Discovery of RSS

2008-05-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

I still don't know what RSS stands for.

I was simply amazed by the speed that my last post received replies and verbal comments. Who would keep coming back to my blog that I post to once in a blue moon? Thanks to Paul, now I know. I also have less of an excuse not to read other blogs...

The biggest surprises from my last post were the concerned questions of suicide from a couple friends. I just reread the post and can see how the last line could point that way. The "not contributing to the sadness in the world" was in reference to my writing, NOT my life.

Major thanks to the replies. They help tremendously.
-Limiting the writing duration to help prevent endless dwelling in ... muck. Plus so much more. (Who is able to sum up Gary's ideas other than Gary?)

-Experiencing the sadness is good, but "don't stop in hell..."

-Allowing the sadness to flow onto the page where it remains

Thank you all

Sunday

2008-04-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

I just filled out a "Tibetan Personality Test" that my sister sent several weeks/months ago. Part of question #2 was to give my one word response to the word "sea." I replied "distance," which is supposed to reference My Life. I think this says it all.

I feel so lonely just now. No wonder when I have spent my life creating a false facade, a desire for my own space, separation between myself and "the world." Now that I actually try to find myself and not just the "me" I think others want to see, I find a deep loneliness yet still a deep hesitation to reach out. Bottom line is that I am afraid and have no idea of what.

Writing seems to help. Last week a spotted a book on a friend's shelf that contains an edited compilation of journal entries by a monk named Thomas Merton. I have been reading his entries in order to learn how to simply journal my own thoughts freely. I tend to order my thoughts as if I was formulating an essay, and in the end feel like I'm writing for others rather than to understand myself.

I don't know if this will make sense to others or even have any interest but it is what I have to say. It just seems that every time that I open my mouth or take up pen to speak of my self, nothing but sadness comes out...
which makes me all the sadder.

This world has too much pain and separation for me to continue to be a contributor.

Lenten Meditations

2008-02-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

Lent is roughly half over, so that makes this post about three weeks out of date. I'm not worrying it much however because on this blog anything newer than two years out of date is current.

In my local church community of LGBC, the church's Easter traditions are valued highly and usually looked forward to with much anticipation. Peep Jousting may not be Canonical, but it is followed with great enthusiasm around here. I was extremely surprised last year when the wearing of ashes on Ash Wednesday caused many conversations at work and throughout the day. The few people who even new of the event, once they had been reminded, were confused about a "Protestant" taking part in a "Catholic" tradition. I guess my "back woods Bible belt" home town was more advanced theologically through its Ministerial Alliance than I had believed. This Alliance was a regular meeting of several Pastors, Ministers, Fathers, etc... from the local area that included Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, Episcopalian, and Non Denominational. These leaders actively tried to bring their congregations together especially in the celebrations around Lent.

Anyway, fast forward to today. Many things are different this year, mostly because this Easter I'm married! I spent some time before Lent considering what I should give up only to focus on things that seemed rather meaningless to me this year. However, on Ash Wednesday, my thoughts were suddenly drawn to an issue in a way that I had never seen it before. In the course of about three days I was repeatedly made aware of how selfish I was with my time.

I am embarrassed to share this but I am working desperately to become a man who no longer hides away in shame. That is part of what Lent is about right? The giving up of oneself, the sometimes painful cleaving to God, and facing the ills in oneself that this often reveals. For me, I had been jealously guarding my time for myself. Looking back, I see that it started before I can remember with my family, friendships, work, and God. Deep inside, I viewed those as activities, that once taken care of, I could then move on to myself. I was not able to be present in those times, so I clearly divided those times from the times that I felt safe to be myself... hidden away from the world.

Does anyone see where the act of being married, living together daily in the same space, could be affected by this? Yes, I was a jerk. I tried to be as pleasant about it as I could. After all, I had years of practice "graciously letting" people have "my time." I also had plenty of experience of hiding this understanding from myself, so I felt fully justified and righteous in my actions. I am ashamed to say that I have treated my wife the same way for the first nine months of our marriage. I enjoyed spending time with her, but in the back of my mind, I always had the thought that afterwards I would be able to "rest in my time." I'm not saying that alone time is bad. On the contrary it is fabulous and needed, but my trouble was hanging onto the importance of my alone time so tightly that all else, including my time with Angela became secondary to me, to my neediness. I could not freely enjoy coming home in the evening or spending the weekend together because I was focused on my time and how I would feel in it after I had given the "required time" to her.

So, I am giving up "my time" for Lent, or rather the protective box that "my time" represented. I see the view that I need to give up. I even see part of the pain and self doubt in me that supports this view. My daily prayer to God this lent is that He would reveal within me what replaces this hiding and shame.

Peace to you all. May this Lent be as important to you in drawing closer to God and to each other as it is being for me, but with immensely less pain.
Curran

Scout of the Week

2008-01-09T16:59:00.001-08:00

I can't think of a more fitting way to officially begin my blogging career again than to reinstate the "Scout of the Week." Here we see a beautifully restored '78 Scout Traveller. She's just a little shinier than my old '77.

Anger

2008-01-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

I have been receiving pressure to start blogging again for about, oh, two years. Well, after an hour struggling to remember my old user name and password, then updating my information only to discover it was the wrong user name... Yes, I am not the most computer savy individual on this planet. suffice it to say that I persevered and have now returned to my electronic haven.

Only to discover!!
That my last post of over a year ago had a couple dozen XXX replies!! I know that I am to blame for not policing my site, but come on now! How amazingly bored and lost must people be to post this trash to random sites?

So, my first act of this night was to find the delete button. Now I need to check the rest of my old posts...

Anyway folks, I'm back and have a large enough group of people with big sticks standing behind me that I should continue to write from now on. Next post should have something worth reading.

Temporary Suspension of Hiatus

2006-01-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

I have a new place. I have a new job. Disturbingly, I have a cell phone, or as I like to refer to it, my Intrusive Mobile Phone Answering Service or IMPAS.

These changes in my demographic profile have resulted in limiting my access to computer while dramatically increasing the amount of time I am involved in community activities. Result? No new blog posts for which I have been railed on by several people. I'm not promising new and exciting posts every week but I think it is safe to say that you can count on something sooner than once a quarter.

As for now the beautiful day is sultry whispering my name. Of course that might just be the hint of daffodiles on the wind. Either way, the sunshine wins... I will return anon.

Changes

2005-09-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

How does a guy begin to choose what to write about? The mealstrom that has become my life does not seem to be dying down any time soon. (I have a sneaky suspicion that this is what life looks like...) Anyway, the balsa raft that keeps me afloat in the midst of things seems to be doing better at riding out the waves rather than crashing through them at the moment. I think I found it capsized on top of me a couple of times too.

I suppose this is what the apostle Paul is referencing when he comments on being content in Christ. The waves of the world and tides of emotion fluctuate and swirl, never seeming to diminish in strength, but being founded on Jesus' strength and love allows all that turmoil to flow beneath your feet time after time. Peace enters as I find myself no longer emersed in the waves fighting for each breath.

Anyway, I wish that I could speak in specifics just now, but every subject seems so compicated and involved with back stories that my tired mind cringes from even thinking them into writing. Its not that complicated though. Jesus. That's it in a nutshell. I've spent years looking for Him. I've searched my soul, Josh McDowell books, foreign contries, and Norwegian Spam consiracies, but never seemed close. Then somewhere recently, I stopped "looking" and started "doing."

I have a small truck, so I help friends when the move their stuff. I have rudimentary knowledge and experience in construction and vehicle maintenance, so I help friends who are working on their houses or cars. I think it really hit me about a week ago. I had spent several hours trying to replace the alternator in the Poe's car. It took a second day to finish it (drat these Japanese midgit cars) but it finally worked and I thought no more about it until Julie mentioned how God blessed them immesurably the previous week. There were several gifts and acts of kindness from many people that she mentioned, and among the list was my name and contribution to their car. I've always known that God is supposed to be "using" us, but untill that moment it never really clicked with me. I had always been looking at where or who I should be for God to be using me. I stopped worrying about that around a month ago; I mean I really stopped worrying about it. I started listening to what God was saying, not just the areas I thought He needed to be speaking to me about or leading me in. I let my actions become natural. I did what I naturally wanted to do and could do. And suddenly, BAM I find that what I just did was used by God to bless someone.

I know that what I can accomplish is practically nothing. So, I've spent years trying to change myself somehow so that God could work through me. Now I realize that all that talk and looking was me trying to plot my own course. Sure I said I was looking for God's plan, but what I really was seeking was something grand enought that I could accept it as God's plan. Not my place to judge that. I suppose what I'm saying is that I actually surrendered all of that and just started being me. And there He was! My insignificant natural desires, tendencies, and now actions are being worked through. Who would have thought that what God has been after all this time was just me? I can't even describe what it feels like. Its amazing. I've just discovered that the two greatest desires in my life (obeying God and being me) and not only compatible, but are actually designed to be one, and I really like the man that results from this.

I Love This Guy

2005-08-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

Alright, I've always been a snob. I still am, but I slowly work against it. Every few months or years I realize that I've given up another snobbish ideal. In 2003 I admitted my enjoyment of Top Gun. 2004 saw me occasionally buying frozen Red Baron pizzas... Recently, I was loaned a copy of "The Message." For those of you like me a month ago, "The Message" is the Bible translated into contemporary language. I'm not going to accept it over the translations I've always used; it does lack some of the depth and carries a stronger personal view than a norman translation. But, for a different and perhaps needed view that these books were real letters and accounts... I can now accept that and even enjoy it.

I've been through Colossians a couple times and am now looking overe Galations. I've always known Paul to be a strong sort of man. He must have been to take the message where he did. He confronted, denounced, and loved believers of other gods and even took Peter to task a time or two. This was not a wishy washy man. This translation has given me another insight into him. I can now see this character directly in his writings.

I love his beginning in Galations. He is writing to a fairly new church that has started changing its message and adding restrictions back into Christ's freedom.

Partway into chapter one finds Paul saying "I can't believe your fickleness -- how easily you have turned traitor to him who called you by the grace of Christ by embracing a variant message! ... Those who are provoking this agitation among you are turning the Message of Christ on its head. Let me be blunt."

I love that! He calls the church "fickle" a "traitor," accuses them of turning Christ's message upside down, and then warns them that he will now be BLUNT. Yes!!!

"Let me be blunt. If one of us -- even an angel from heaven!-- were to preach something other than what we preached originally, let him be cursed. I said it once; I'll say it again; If anyone, regardless of reputation or credentials, preaches something other than what you received originally, let him be cursed."

Wow. This is what I've always thought in my heart was meant by a Warrior for Christ. My heart has always yearned personally to be something like this, but for some reason, I've never really seen the New Testament characters in this light. Bumbling deciples, yes. Teachers and guides, yes. But not plain spoken, no holds barred for the Truth, lovers of Christ and His people. I have no idea how many of you have already had a realization like this, maybe its a common step that I've just now managed, but this is the type of life that I am pulled to live. Skip the justifications and rationalizations. I do those in my sleep.

"We preach Christ, warning people not to add to the message. We teach in a spirit of profound common sense so that we can bring each person to maturity. To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That's what I'm working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me." End of Colossions chapter 1.

After

2005-08-29T18:54:00.001-07:00

Exterior shot of the Scout 80 from a few weeks ago. No these are not my projects. I just collect pictures of Scouts because I love them so much. One of these days I'll find a scanner and post some pictures of the one I tried patching.

Before

2005-08-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Exterior shot of the Scout 80 I used as my last Scout of the "Week."

Back for More Than the Proverbial Limited Opportunity

2005-08-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

So, wow, people have recently indicated that my blog was read once apon a time when I actually posted to it. Prior to this weekend I received comments from two seperate individuals that my musings were missed. Post of my post, I have two more people "celebrating" if you will the return of my varied tangential thoughts. This brings up two questions, just who are these people who show interest in MY thoughts, and how do they get the Cheese Wiz into the can?

Actually, I've been thinking about the peculiarities of a blog. Just who is this person that I synthesise into a few words and share with varied individuals throughout cyber space? Its not really Curran. I distinctly choose the thoughts, pictures, desires, and much more rarely emotions that I wish to share. Sure, you can and natually do read between the lines and come up with an idea of me that is fuller than what I simply write, but how much can you really know about someone through five paragraphs a month?

This is my little domain. No questions are asked. No one actively seeks to know me better through my blog. On the surface, this is simply a place for me to share the things and ONLY the things I currently wish to express. I was feeling kinda bad about this a couple days ago, but then started thinking, just how much different is this from my actual life? Sure the interface is extremely obvious for a blog, its an offical Computer Term after all. But I use a similar interface everyday called my body. Hair styles, clothing, facial expressions, words uttered, questions answered are all controlled by me. Despite this, I still desire and attempt to use my body and life to convey the Truth of who I am. Its called living, caring, being honest, and living in integrity. So, what's to keep me from doing differently on a blog? Really nothing. I communicate differently in writing then I do in person, but its still me. Maybe the real struggle is accepting that I don't fully understand myself yet.

Keepin' the shirt tucked and liking it,
Curran

You Can Take the Boy Out of the Ozarks...

2005-08-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

This title might be a little too specific. Perhaps any good ol' country boy would have done the same.

Okay, so you've replaced the muffler on your truck with a generic from Auto Zone because you don't want to spend the $500 dollars it would cost to have a professional in the city of Dallas replace the entire system. The truck came from the Ozarks, you see, and a previous owner had already "fixed it" beyond stock specifications. Apparently "professionals" in Dallas have an inherent need to return everything to factory specifications.

Now, due to lack of tools, one of the pipe joints is not completely solid and finally pops apart while pulling onto a major road artery half a mile from my uncle's house. This results in a very loud sound because 1, the muffler is no longer connected to the engine and 2, the muffler is now dragging on the pavement. Question: what do you do?

1: Have it towed to a shop and let the proffessionals handle it?
2: Try to wedge/tie the muffler off the ground long enough to limp back to the house.
Or
3: Strap that sucker to the frame rail with a length of bailing wire untill you have time to duck tape the pipes back together.

My air conditioning at the moment is good old 2-55, so there is not much danger of carbon monoxide building up in the cab due to a much shorter exhaust system. Besides, I've heard louder Honda Civics running "mufflers" than my S10 is without.

Alright, alright... its been a couple years since I've had actual bailing wire in my truck... so I had to use a length of rope. I also rented a pipe flaring tool and clamped the system together the way you're supposed to, no duck tape. Problem solved for $38 dollars, counting original cost of the muffler.

2005-07-12T18:04:00.001-07:00

Restored Scout 80

Scout of the Week Before and After

2005-07-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

Original Scout 80

The Scandal of Father Brown

2005-07-11T20:25:00.000-07:00

This may come as no surprise to some, but my favorite mysteries are written by G.K. Chesterton and star the a Roman Catholic priest named Father Brown as detective. Sometimes appearing comical, inocent, childish, often misunderstood and overlooked, Father Brown has not only a keen intellect but is extremely well grounded in the priorities of life and maintanes a focus on men and their souls instead of the intricacies of the crime.

I finished rereading The Scandal of Father Brown a couple days ago and was struck with the ending. This mystery involves no death but rather a married woman who attempts to elope with a famous poet but instead returns to her husband with some assistance from Father Brown. As the escapade ends, a journalist who happens to be on the scene believes that Father Brown assisted the woman in her elopement instead of her return. He promptly wires off the story only to realize that his perceptions of people caused him to see the story backwards. The journalist then wires the true story, but it is not in time to replace the first one from being printed. Thus, Chesterton describes the two stories of Father Brown chasing each other around the globe, the true one always at least five minutes behind the extravagant damning one.

"And so the two Father Browns chase each other round the world for ever; the first a shameless criminal fleeing from justice; the second a martyr broken by slander, in a halo of retribution. But neither of them is very like the real Father Brown, who is not broken at all; but goes stumping with his stout umbrella through life, likeing most of the people in it; accepting the world as his companion, but never as his judge."

What a perfect description of what I want to be. Good happens. Shit happens. Oftens its the same thing, only seen from two different perspectives. People see and believe all sorts of things about me, but such beliefs and consequent actions do not break me untill I give them the power to do so by elevating the people around me and their perceptions as my God. I like most of the people in it; now to hold onto people, even the ones "in power" as my traveling companions instead of as my superiors, inferiors, or judges. I too want to go "stumping... through life." Majestic through despised, I will still be Curran following Jesus. And that is as it should be.

Scout of the Week Returns

2005-07-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

You just don't see quality interiors like this anymore. All who miss the seventies, please raise their hands now. Sadly, the carpeting is a little faded and the picture's coloring is a bit off. Judging from the unfaded portions of carpeting in my Scout, this started close to UT Orange.

Vehicle madness has returned! With a steady paycheck has also come the miriad of automotive projects I have been putting off... as well as the humorous, but usually unmissed escapedes.

First off was not having the time to actually replace my muffler which had rusted through. So, I tried the ol' patching kit. Thirty miles down the road, my quarter size patched hole split about four inches down the length of the muffler and began to peel back. doh! Guess the whole thing was pretty well shot. I spent the next 10 days not sounding like a ticked off bumblebee, but souding like a VERY ticked off bumblebee.

Tonight's latest installment was splicing some wires together properly now that I have purchased an actual crimping tool instead of using a pair of handy needle nose. While reconnecting the battery cables, the positive end actually broke in two. This was a cable I replaced this year! Obviously, with the broken connection I was not driving to the automotive store, and natuarly my uncle had left fifteen minutes previously to play tennis. The good news is that Autozone is just over a mile away. The bad news is that Autozone is just over a mile away... with evening approaching. Never fear, I pushed dinner back another hour, made the 2.5 mile run, found the part, and installed it all before the sun set. Just watch it not start tomorrow morning...

Rivers

2005-07-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

I love rivers. I love the feeling of being beside or floating in a river. I've been in the Atlantic Ocean. I've visited several lakes and swimming pools, but they are nothing compared to the sometimes tranquil sometimes rushing force of cool water that is a river. Large bodies of water, natural or man made, are hot, open, and glaring. Rivers are cool and shaded, tranquil or adventurous depending on your mood. Rivers are the interesting little traveled lanes and paths of the water world. They twist and turn. You never know what's around the next bend to experience, or if you like, you can just wait and let the waters flow gently past.

I was spoiled growing up in the Ozarks. No matter where you live, it seems that you are within half an hour from two dozen good swimming spots on at least three different rivers. There were forests and beautiful bluffs overlooking some areas and fishing holes aplenty. Besides the family and friends I left behind, I miss the rivers most of all. Cookouts and float trips on the weekends or just sitting beside it late at night with a friend and a pizza watching the stars.

Now my friend just related a recent river experience from this last weekend. I am so excited for her that she had the opportunity to enjoy it with her family, but it made so very aware of just how long its been since I've been able to visit my rivers. I wish I could simply share in her enjoyment, but my selfish longings are threatening to take over. I really hate this tendency within me. The inability to share in the telling of a friend's blessing over my percieved lack.

Life moves forward and many new and wonderful opportunities and lessons are occuring in my life. But, at times I find myself longing so deeply for some of the precious moments that I have had to leave behind. I wonder if I might ever recapture them. In the meantime, may God please help weed out the selfish desires in my heart that cause so much hurt and pain to my friendships.

Birth of a Nation of Freedom

2005-07-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Normaly I try to avoid the more cynical America is Dead trains of thoughts and postings. Actually I avoid most things political. Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore both annoy me to equal extents. We are talking about human beings and government. Is it possible to rationally work what we have instead of deifying or vilifying (not sure that's a word) the current powers? How many of us have actually tried communicating with our representatives in government? I haven't.

Anyway, this picture came to me via an article about Noam Chomskey. Nothing political, and perhaps because of that, what I was seeing struck home. The Land of the Free has become the land of locked doors and security gates. It is times like this that truly make me appreciate the entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus said he was "the way" not "the door." A "way" is a path, a road. You are as free to climb upon it as to leave it. There are no barriers, the only requirement is that if you wish to remain on the way, you must follow its direction becuase the road doesn't change course to match yours.

The only door is yourself. Jesus is the way, but He says "Behold, I stand at the door and knock..." Rev 3:20 and all that. The door is yours to open or lock at your will. Your choice. Do you put out Welcome Mats or No Soliciting signs? Or, as in this picture, how many of us sport Freedom bound with a complex conflicting mixture or Bondage to Fear? I do.

Death of a Grandfather

2005-07-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

My Grandfather died two weeks ago yesterday.

It still feels like a piece of fiction to say those words.

My Dad is an only child, and his parents both died of lung cancer before I was born. So, my family has always been my sister Heather, Mom, Dad, Uncle R.J., and my maternal grandparents. There were eight of us during Christmas or occasional other holidays. No more no less. No discussions over whose house we would spend which holidays at. No question over who the ultimate venerable head of the family was. The individual roles have always been fairly simple and straightforward and now one us is... missing.

My uncle refered to my granfather as "The captain of our family ship" during the eulogy at the momorial service. I have never heard a better description of him. My grandfather lived by the view that the man was the head of the house, the provider, the protector, the leader... He cared deeply for his family and took the best care of us that he could. He rarely showed emotions or affection; he simply gave the resources and time that he had to provide for the needs and then the wants of his children and later grandchildren.

He was a man's man. He liked sports and grumbled abour politics, but he never saw these as making a man. His word was a solemn promise. He took care of his bills and debts first. Only then would he consider the extras. He made decisions and saw them through. Above all else, you knew that he was the sort of man one counted on. For my grandfather, that was a man. He saw dreams and desires as having a place, but they were firmly seperated from the practicalities of the needs that ran life.

It is only now that I begin to fully realize how my grandfather saw people, how he saw me. Once I started growing up, he began to treat me as a man. I never had the faintest idea what was going on. I just remember it being difficuly around him since he primarily asked me about schooling and what choice I was going to make for college. I was a kid in the candy store when it came to looking at degrees and areas of study. I would run from one to the other like a child pressing his nose and grimy hands against the glass display case before running off to drool over the next tempting chocolate display. I was in Heaven... untill I had to pick one and be limited by the consuquences. As long as I was choosing, in a sense I had it all.

My grandfather more than anyone else pressured me with making a choice. I now realize that he was telling me that it was time to grow up, choose, and live my life instead of drooling in fantasy. When I made a choice, his question was "Is this what you want?" I answered yes, and he declared his backing. That was it. No questioning of my decision. No suggesting other alternatives or timings. It was pure respect for another man's choice, and his love for a grandson to back it up. I am talking about a complete acceptance of my choice and a deep feeling of the experience from living his own choices as a man. I have had people support me or try to guide me for various reasons, but my grandather backed me because I was a man and had made my choice. End of story. Nothing wishy washy. No regrets. You didn't go back on your word, even your word to yourself, just because you now were beginning to see the difficulties that resulted from your choice. That was life, and a man stood by his choice and remained accountable to its relsults.

I wish I had realized some of this while he was alive. I wish I could have tried living my life with this knowledge while he could still watch me. Maybe he still can from Heaven. All I know is the man who worked so hard to give the right Christmas gifts year after year has given me one of the greatest gifts I have ever recieved. The importance of standing firm for your values, for your family, for yourself, and the confident support of a man I respected in my ability to do so.

Thank you Papa.

Now What?

2005-05-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting and staring at this blank screen for about 45 minutes now. I desire to write, and occasional thoughts and sentences flit across my mind, but I can't get them to go anywhere just yet. I am filled with emotions, some quite passionate, and I am having a great deal of difficulty in expressing any of it.

I look back on my life and see several points of dramtatic transition and growth in myself. They are the memorable times that seem to be the key moments that made me who I am and stand as sentinels as to my identity as Curran and as a child of God. That being said, they were also the hardest times of my life to live through, and I feel like I'm in the middle of another such time.

Pride crashes with Humility
Personal Responsability meets Utter Dependance on God
Money faces off Mission
Wants against Needs
Now vs. In Its Appropriate Time
Truth fights Beloved False Views
Strength battles Weakness
Loving and Despising

This is only a partial list, but I think it gets the point across. I doubt I'm saying anything new; you have been here, and quite possibly harder than I have. I feel like I'm being ripped apart at the seems while simultaneously being ground between two boulders. Yet, somehow in the midst of this, life continues. Love still needs to be expressed, blessings given, communities built and supported.

The closer I try to follow Christ, the more frequently these times of upheaval seem to occur. However, my hope and knowledge of what will come out of these times and my faith in God's support during these times is also growing. One day I might even be able to thank God for these times of growth, butI am not honestly there yet. The knowledge of purpose and success are still not strong enough within me to counter the pain of the moment.

I wrote "The Hobbit Within" almost two years ago towards the end of one of these "growing cycles." It seemed so appropriate then, but gains in meaning for me with each passing year. My appologies to any Tolkein fans I might upset.

The Hobbit Within

2005-05-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

I am Frodo. I am Sam. The world outside the Shire is so vast and important. I dream of climbing the Misty Mountains and of seeing Rivendel, but I am a Hobbit and love the safety of my quiet borders, sunny fields, and woodland streams. The outside world is filled with loud Men so much taller and stronger than I. Elves, so much more graceful and beautiful than I, tread the vast forests, while Dwarves delve deep and build structures of unbelievable strength and endurance. And there are Wizards, wise beyond compare, running throughout lands, meddling and giving aid to kings and countries.

But, I am a Hobbit, small and timid, not designed for great deeds. I am not strong like Men, graceful and powerful like the Elves, or enduring like the Dwarves. I belong to a race that others, and even ourselves, see as quaint and comical. We live without greatness, happy in our peace that is provided by those great and noble beings we hear about in tales and legends.

I am Frodo. I have been given a ring, a task. What is my task? I don’t know. Where am I taking this ring? I’ve heard hints though I don’t know the way. I wish this had never happened to me for I am a Hobbit and not built for great things.

I am Sam. My friend has a ring. I see the burden tear at him. He stands at the edge of his land staring at the road into the unknown. He is scared, terrified of the trials and terrors that lie ahead. But I am Sam, and I will stay by his side because he is my friend even though I am just a Hobbit and not built for great things.

I am Frodo, placing one foot in front of the other. I am tired and worn, but I won’t stop for a task has been given to me. I have crossed lands beyond my comprehension, traversed the darkness, and faced overwhelming battles. Mount Doom itself is in sight, and I cower because I am a Hobbit and not built for great things.

I am Sam, placing one foot in front of the other as I tread beside my friend across the blasted land. Now we lean upon each other as the journey takes its toll. Now I carry my friend because he can no longer support himself. We have made it! I lay on the side of Mount Doom cradling the damaged hand of my friend for I can do no more to ease his suffering and release...

Now is the time that the deeds of Hobbits will shake the world of Men.

I will live my life.
I will carry my burden.
I will be your friend.
Because I am Frodo. Because I am Sam. Because I am a Hobbit.

Scout of the Week

2005-05-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for delaying this much anticipated picture for several days. I have many excuses, few of them worth using. Suffice it to say that I have been a tad overwhelmed by "life" recently. This looks like a roughly stock Scout II that a tree decided to fall on. Considering that the root ball is still attached to the tree, I'm guessing high winds or some idiot with a shovel and a tractor. These trucks were built strong, so it is conceivable that this really happend even though there is no serious denting to our heroic Scout. I would think that this was staged except the branches are still whole as opposed to being broken by first crashing into, and then being dragged across the ground.

New Links

2005-05-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

Just added friend Daniel Gray's newly inspired blog as well as the well established sites of Scott and Heather. I also added a link to the Damaris Project web site for anyone interested in women, culture, and spirituality. Its late, and this guy needs his beauty rest.

Community Commonality

2005-05-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

A commonality is essential for any group or community. There is a reason the words share the same root; a common purpose is the core of a community. This dictates just how close a bond can form in the community and for how long the bond may last. If you're interested in finding friends who share an interest in surfing, '68 Fords, or Jane Austin, these groups readily exist and one can have a swell time in them. However, commonalities this shallow will not guarantee the support, nurturing, or encouragement that we all need at times when it feels that our lives are being hung upside down and shaken.

It takes a common philosophy to bond people strongly enough to stay together through the difficult times. Times of hurt and pain are natural. Sometimes we despair or simply run out of the energy needed to keep going. These are the times that we need to know we can count on the close people around us to support us in the truth. If philosophies vary too much, going into such difficult times will cause the relationships to crack under the strain of dealing with the pain and facing the different belief systems of our friends. In such a situation, friendships are draining instead of supportive. When weakened by life, we need to be able to count on the safety and support of friends with the same beliefs and values instead of the constant pressure of standing up for our own.

The closer the friendships and community, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, the stronger the interdependence and the stronger the impact on each others lives. Thus, the closer the ties of a community, the closer the philosophies of the people involved need to be for safety to exist, else the whole structure begins to collapse as soon as it hits rough times. Most of you know Jesus' great parable about building a house on the rock instead of the sand, and the wind and waves come... If our relatively simple individual lives will collapse in such rough times if we have not built them on the rock, how much quicker will the intertwined lives of a group collapse if they are not solidly built on the same (only) rock?

However, simply having the same philosophy does not garauntee success for a community. A great example are the "back to nature" community movements of the 1970's. Many of these communities had a very strong purpose and shared close beliefs, yet they still failed. They shared common philosophy, but it was still built on the sands of wrong beliefs. Most of these people built their communities on "Returning to Mother Earth" and "We will love Mother Earth and she will love us in return." Nature is not necessarily a loving entity though. There are reasons that mankind has developed housing, central heat, and dependable food sources. Many of these people began to feel betrayed that they did not recieve love in return for their efforts. They became disillusioned and the communities began to split, argue, and crumble. I've watched this happen.

Personally, I love the idea of returning to the land. I'm all for it; my utopian commune is built on lots of acreage with forests, fields, streams, and clean air. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this or for returning to a more utilitarian life style. Look at the continuing success of the Mennonites, Amish, and others. What makes these communities work though is there common belief in God, but He works in urban areas just as easily. Some of the "Gaia" communes I've referred to still succeed in a way, but they have become more along the lines of Earth Conservation Clubs whose members' lands border each other. The deep connection of community that I am talking about has been lost.

I personally believe, that a belief in God is needed for communities to truly last. The views of love and respect for fellow people necessary for a community to work are the basic commandments to being a Christian. I hope to get into the traits needed for a succesfull community in a later post, but for now I will say that these traits will probably prove themselves not to be enough after a while. We tend to easily regress into standard selfish paterns; doubts arise as to where these traits of "loving others as yourself" come from and why we continue treat them as laws. The knowledge that love and respect come from a higher being and are not simply traits that we can choose to use or discard as we wish is essential to maintaining a love for others over a love of self. Knowing who the God of the universe is that these traits come from gives them the weight needed to become the Laws of Life.

Scout of the Week

2005-05-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

This is a picture lesson of what happens when you don't know HOW to tow a vehicle properly. Rule number one: Always maintain an even tension in the tow rope. The truck in front provides the forward momentem; the vehicle behind provides the braking force! In this case, they allowed slack to form in the tow rope and the vehicle being towed rolled over it wrapping the rope around the front wheel. When the slack was taken out, the resulting off-centered jerk from the hung rope pulled both vehicles out of control... Well, you see what happened. This would be a Scout 80 on top of a Scout 800. No one was injured and both vehicles were righted with minimum fuss and body damage. Let's hear it for trail rigs.

Community

2005-05-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

I desire to be part of a community so strongly. This feeling goes beyond social interactions and good friends within LGBC. The best example of what I wish to aim for is L'Abri. Several people and or families sharing a common living space. The daily tasks of cleaning, cooking, maintanence and construction were divided among all and attempts were made to rotate the unpleasent chores and assign people to the jobs that they enjoyed and took pride in.

Its not too difficult to find people who enjoy cooking, but the hours of isolation in the kitchen that often accompanies it ruins this creative outlet for most people. There is also the cleanup and the monotony of you being the one person serving day after day after day. Once a few people are coupled together to prepare a larger meal, cooking becomes a wonderful social activity. Also, setting up multiple cooks allows people to switch off and break up the monotony. Providing good food to a large group of appreciative people also makes the preparation a joy.

Gardening, cleaning, washing clothes... all of these tasks can become meaningful. They are not simply chores, but they are the ways in which you can physically serve the friends and family you are in community with and know that they are giving to you in the same way. Necessities and chores remain if you still choose to look at them in that light, but in actuality you are becoming servents to each other, sharing grace and giving out of your blessings daily and in immediately visible ways.

I envision one large house or a couple houses around each other with areas of privacy for rest and study, but also large gathering areas to pray, worship, and play together, and a large dining room to share meals together. A large kitchen is essential here. I am firmly convinced that the kitchen is the heart of any home. The beauty of community is that this can start small (three or four people) and continue to grow and grow.

It would take a lot of work to decide upon the division and exchange of labor, communal finances, and general feel of the place. I wish I had the answers and could simply set up a community starter kit and take off, but a community is a living organisism; it grows and changes with the people with it. No two are ever alike. Communities take many forms today. Cults where everyone wears bathrobes are a little extreme, but any family working together is a small community, chat rooms and blogs are allowing long distance communities to form. For me though, sharing a physical space is a neccesary part of community, to live and work for and beside my brothers and sisters.

The key, and I mean The Absolutely Essential Piece, to a thriving community is a strong commonality. If its a club or cyber based community, enjoying a specific artist or vehicle model can be sufficient, but for the community I envision, there has to be a uniformity of core beliefs and morals. We can debate the benefits of foot washing or saving the Spotted Owl, but the answers to Who God Is, Who We Are in Relation to Him, and How We Live In Accordance With These Identities must be understood, cherished, and respected by each member of the community.

Scout of the Week

2005-05-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

Well folks, here's living proof that Texas loves Scouts. I don't have time to write much of anything at the moment, but my mind is rapidly recovering from Finals Week Shock. So, later tonight or maybe tomorrow will probably bring writings of importance once again.

Current thought: God's Community, what is it, and what should I be doing to promote it in my life?

Current music: Lester Flatt and Earl Scrugg's rendition of Cumberland Gap.

2005-04-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

Lawnmower Racing

No Matter Where You Mow, There You Are

2005-04-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how I finished my last final this very morning and am completely brain dead, I will be refraining from writing anything resembling "deep" or "intelligent" for a few hours. However, you ARE in luck, for I have just rediscovered a fantastic website devoted to a little known and unappreciated racing tradition. Before you start laughing too hard, I have to stress that this is on the level. They started in 1992 and events have even been aired on ESPN2.

I give you... Lawnmower Racing!

http://www.letsmow.com

The American tradition did start on April Fool's Day, only by a few chaps inspired by what they saw in the British Lawnmower Racing Association while visiting across the pond. For people who think Americans know how to do things bigger, better, or faster than the rest of the world, I would like to note that the BLRA sponsers a yearly 12 hour lawnmower endurance race. These blokes can log up to 300 miles averaging around 23 mph.

http://www.racemower.co.uk

Its been said before, and it will probably be said again, "I'm quirky." Yes, I know.

Scout of the Week

2005-04-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

This is what my first truck COULD have looked like. It was my first attempt at vehicle restoration on a budget of $0.00, so it never turned out quite this good. 1977 Scout Traveler.

The Benefits of Technology: A Luddite's Perspective

2005-04-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

Is technology worth it? Yes, we can reach vast numbers of people in little or no time, but is this inheritantly good? Personally, I think the ability is meaningless unless the content and results are also considered. In a sense, difficulties are what make us individuals. It is the trials and obstacles overcome that shape us.

H.G. Wells shows a glimpse of a future human society in "The Time Machine" that has actually started devolving because at some point science was advanced so far that it eliminated all desease, work, and pain in society. Well's Time Traveler enters a civilization that is being used as livestock by a splinter race living inside the earth. The surface dwellers live in fear of the dark, but as soon as the sun shines, they're dancing, singing, and smelling flowers. They have lost the ability to create, think, and even defend themselves because their distant ancestors eliminated all trials through scientific advancement.

Telephones have gone a long way in lessening the importance and value of people's time and relationships. Before telephones, speaking with someone five miles away took a good bit of effort. You had to set aside the time to travel and speak to a specific person. Their is meaning when someone rides a horse or walks five miles to talk to you. Today, we often don't even have to cross the house, because there are three or four phones to choose from before you even get to cell phones. Conversations do not have to be as meaningful or thought out because there is no effort involved in starting one. A thirty second call is a perfectly resonable result for the two second investment of picking up the phone and pushing a button.

Television has contributed to bringing the world together. It carries our news, our entertainment, and our education today. It has eliminated, in large part, the need for people to communicate individually. It is much more entertaining to watch a program with special effects and images that conveys the same meaning right? Well, television is also geared toward general audiences. Even more specific shows are generalized to reach the largest possible body of interested viewers. Language is altered or "dumbed down" because not every person knows what "equinox" or "obfuscate" mean. Personal, one on one, or small group gatherings, wether for entertainment, education, etc... is aimed for specific people. Thoughts, feelings, and learning are all specialized to the immediate people and their needs or desires.

There are numorous studies about the effects of television on the human mind, especially the developing minds of children. Not real good. But, here's a new one to me.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/04/22/email_destroys_iq/
This is a study on the effects of email on peoples minds and communication abilities. Similar to what I just said about telephones, the ease of email is lessening the content of communications and people are loosing their ability to judge the value of a message's content. This is short and worth the read.

Basically, when we create something to do a process for us, we have the tend to become dependant on the creation. Theoretically, we could still retain the ability as well as the labor/time saving device, but we would have to limit its use and force ourselves to use the ability with in us. Thinking, communicating, music... is not like riding a bicicle. If we don't use it, we lose it. One of the big problems is that we are simply lazy and impatient beings. If we want something done, we tend to use the way that takes the least amount of effort and time. It takes effort to work.

I'm not saying that technology is bad. I am saying that it comes with a huge price, the value of which varies individually, but society as a whole tends to become more dependent on technology
and less on themselves and relationships. Is this good, bad, or just different? Personally, I lean towards "bad," but I'm the one blogging...

Better Places

2005-04-21T22:19:00.000-07:00

I know I said I was setting up a weekly Scout picture, but I just had to show a bonus on this opening week. As finals and the urban sprall get to me, my thoughts travel to better places. This would be a 1980 Scout Terra in the mountains somewhere.

Cell Phone Rant

2005-04-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ok folks,

I generaly try to avoid rants because I can start them so easily and they tend to be purely negative, but I have to make an exception after last week.

First allow me to set the stage. Remember the days when we could go to the movies or theatre without the pleasent reminder to "please turn off all cell phones?" Well, one of the biggest differences starting back at college after my two year sabatical was the addition of "turn off cell phones" to the sylabus. Three teachers went out of their way to state how cell phones disrupting class annoyed them. How many of you psychics out there know where I'm going already?

A week ago Monday, during class, the instructor's cell phone rings. Not during her lecture... oh no. Her phone rang during a student's assigned in class presentation. The phone rang five times while the class looked around to see whose it was. Dr. Koepke finally realized it was coming from her bag and sheepishly turned it off without a word of acceptance or appology. Yes, she was one of the three who started the year specifically labeling this as a no no.

Scout of the Week

2005-04-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

Ok fans, tonight marks a new addition to this fabulous site. I give you.... The Scout of the Week! This one appears to be about a 1977 sitting on 33" wheels (might be 35s) with about a 4" suspension lift. Its enough to make one weep for joy.

Suburbs

2005-04-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

"I still hold. . . that the suburbs ought to be either glorified by romance and religion or else destroyed by fire from heaven, or even by firebrands from the earth." - The Coloured Lands G.K. Chesterton

Perhaps one day I shall depart the suburbs myself. Rationally, I know there is good to be found here, but I look out over Carrollton and surrounding burgs some nights and feel that I'm standing inside C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce. The houses here remain occupied but feel oddly silent and empty.

The Birds and the Bees

2005-04-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it! People are actually posting on MY blog! This make me very happy.

I think everybody faces the question of how to respond to people and conversations that become overly sexually oriented. Jobs are probably the primary place for this. Afterall, friends and leisure time are relatively easy to pick and choose, coworkers... not so much. I think I've struggled with this in five out of seven actual jobs, and that might be better than the average. I started with basic attempts to ignore it, but as time went on, I was forced to be more active in discouraging fellow guys from constantly pointing out women, or other guys for that matter (Don't ask).

This was particularly bad at my Whole Foods Market job last year where I had three coworkers (guys in mid-late 20's) that I got along really well with. We could laugh and joke and still count on each other to do his share of work, but they were constantly ogling the women walking through the department and "sharing" their enjoyment with each other. I had to take a stand and say that I didn't want to be a part of that and was even able to explain why. It took them a couple weeks to see that I was serious about this but eventually stopped around me... mostly.

It never even crossed my mind how this looked to others; I was merely doing what I had to do. After about five months working there, Erica pulled me aside for a moment. (Out of about 12 people working the floor in our department, she was the only women and about my age) Her sole purpose for doing this was to say that she saw me NOT watching the women coming through our department. "All the other guys, they have kids, they married, they always watching the girls, but you don't." You could have knocked me over with a feather. She hadn't been around to hear me talking with the other guys about my values, she simply saw how I acted and respected it. She also said that my "girlfriend is very lucky." No, she wasn't hitting on me; she was engaged.

They say that prostitution is the oldest profession. It might be. It does cater to one of man's deepest desires/lacks. Man was designed to be in community with other people. "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.'" Gen 2:18 NASB. If man had a need for a partner BEFORE the fall, how do you think that is affected now? Everyone has a conscience that tugs towards doing the right thing, but we also have a force tugging us into relationship with each other.

Look at my previous post. Look at how I wonder about being part of a group, how I doubt if I fit, or if I'm accepted. People have an emmense desire to belong, to be in relationship, but we also have trouble believing that we CAN be in relationship. There are all kinds of relationships of varying closeness: coworkers, friends, family, and at the top, marriage. The word "marriage" is actually losing meaning; I mean by marriage "The eternal bond between a man and a woman with/under God as He originally created in Adam and Eve." Sex is a deeply meaningfull part of this uninion. It expreses and hopefully promotes vulnerability and safety. It is a giving of oneself and sharing of your togetherness. Sex is physically enjoyable, but perhaps even more so, there is the emotional connection and joy.

Sex is used as a quick fix. A person feels lonely, disconnected from the world, or even himself... BAM! You're back in the moment, FEELING in your body, FEELING in communion physically AND emotionally. We go for the quick fix almost every time. Feeling poor? Rob a bank, building a career is too time consuming and painfull. (Still socially unacceptable, but dreamed of by most.) Feeling hungry? Go for the double cheeseburger and chocolate fudge sunday, eating well takes too much time and thought. Feeling bored? Find a movie, computer, comic book... doing something with life takes too much work. Feeling lonely? Find a sexual partner, relationships are too painfull and commited.

Being sexually active in various ways has been in every civilization. The social forms it took that were acceptable have varied, but it has always been here, in secret or public. Today, there are almost no "socially acceptable laws" governing it in public, and the public sphere has grown. The speed and distances of communication would be unbelievable by people 100 years ago, but the visual media is also playing a major role. TV, photography, billboards, commercials, bus sides, magazines... images are everywhere. Pictures are controled and designed to create specific responses from "buy Coke" to"feel relaxed." Sex, what once was a way for a person to temporarily "connect" with the world and relationships, is now becoming fantasy too. The realities of the emotions and commitments are being weened out as the clothing, poses, settings... are being altered for specific feelings. Pornography is even prefered to the actual act by some people because it can be controled more precisely. Sex is spreading everywhere and is becoming about nothing.

Silence is Golden

2005-04-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

To my dedicated readers numbering three,

I jest; I think there are actually about five of you. We'll see if that number dwindles. Sometimes, quite frequently actually, I feel like I open my mouth to express a thought and the world around me just shuts down. I beging to doubt my ability to communicate with other people. We were discussing "Noah and the Flood" last night in church. A few people started debating various scientific questions involved in the story. A question or comment was made, and instantly there were two or three people trying to respond. Great! but at a lull in the conversation I brought up some ideas about the freedom and responsabilty in this world shown by God in his covenant with Noah. There was no immediate reaction, so I kept talking for another minute and finally shut up. It was like Daffy Duck standing on stage in an old Warner Bros. cartoon... dead silence except for the lonely cricket. Finally baby Lila (age 2) spoke up and saved the situation... This is not an uncommen situation. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I stall conversation like that.

Who has time for "pastoral themes?"

2005-04-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

I just spent a sickening hour or so today. Three fellow students (all 21 from the DFW area) and yours truly gathered together to discuss several questions put to us about the readings in a lit class. Simple enough right? Compare notes, possible witty dialogue, a little BS, maybe even get to some meaningfull thoughts. What was I thinking?

The conversation started on a sexual note and never left. Between the two women and one guy, it appears that guys purely want sex whenever, with whomever, however and this is acceptable and even good. It also seems that the only difference for the women is that there is more freedom in their homosexual relations because, "chicks with chicks is hot." I feel bad enough saying this much and won't go any further. I litteraly feel sick thinking back about this time.

Is this the norm for people around my age? I don't know. I tried to change to more interesting, or at least moral, topics. I tried asking questions to find out who these people are. Nothing worked; conversation died untill someone brought it back around to a sexual idea. I've never felt like more of a conservative old stick in the mud. I'm just so blown away I don't know what to say.

I have always seemingly gotten along better with people older than me. The people my age or younger that I enjoy spending time with and have made friendships with all tend to be mature for their ages. I don't try to do this. I suppose it works out this way because we have more commonalities from which to relate. Then something happens like today, and I'm completely broad sided, wondering "how do I fit?" I have friends and a community that I belong in and work well with. So far so good (great actually), but how does one go about relating to the world or at least situations and people like this?

It finally came to me just where I was going with this. I feel so strongly about supporting and creating what I believe to be true relevant relationships that I have no patience for people who promote the misuse of something so sacred to a relationship as the sexual union between hysband and wife. I was also faced today with a group of people held so deeply in lies that they believe that men and women's identities revolve around their sexuality. How does one lovingly stand up to such outright wrong?

Courage

2005-04-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

"Alone of all creeds, Christianity has added courage to the virtues of the Creator. For the only courage worth calling courage must necessarily mean that the soul passes a breaking point and does not break." Orthodoxy, G.K. Chesterton

Welcome Home

2005-04-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

What is a home? Home is one of the simplisticly complex ideas that can plague the mind. We know what it is in our heart, but how does one describe it? Home is somewhere between "where one is" and "who one is."

A house is usually the part of a home that comes first to mind. The house is the physical embodyment of home. It provides shelter to our bodies, and a place to store our physical possesions. The house is what keeps us warm. It has our favorite chair, TV, and frontdoor where we greet the pizza delivery guy. Friends enter it; solicitors knock upon it, governments tax it, HGTV tells us how to accesorize it. That's an interesting idea... Just why do we spend so much time painting and searching for the perfect furniture?

We are trying to create something more in our house than just a physical space. We attempt to link our houses to something inside of us. We talk about "the mood" or "the feeling" of a space: warm, comfy, elegant, inviting, austere, open. We create rooms that not only provide for our physical comforts, but also provide for the comforts of the "soul" for lack of a better word.

We are physical AND spiritual beings. To ignore either side is to starve ourselves. The spiritual has the benefit of being longer lasting however. Houses are broken into, televisions stolen. Locks rust, and draperies are eaten by moths. (Five points, if this sounds familiar). Home is more than all this. Home is where our spirits reside, where our dreams are, where our care and love is stored. How many of you have ever been invited by someone into their life and marveled at just how "rich" they were despite having nothing in their house? Give thanks, for you have been blessed with the experience of a true home. This is what is created when one truly "stores up their riches in Heaven." We're not talking about an inaccesible 401k that we begin to draw from once we die. We are God's path to the world. By storing treasures in our "homes" we can invite people in for a taste of the warmth and comfort that God offers...today! The more we store there, the more we can give. Unlike the physical world, the more we give of this home, the more there is TO give.

Like I said earlier, we are physical AND spiritual beings. Our bodies need to be cared for. Creating and opening up a physical house as part of your home is a wonderful thing. We are only in trouble once the house becomes all there is to your home. Go ahead, love your house, accesorize it, make it an inviting place that allows you to love and give God's grace more freely, but always remember that your home is where your true gifts to give reside. It can never be lost to disaster or moving. Making the house the home is like serving the can and throwing away the Cambell's Cream of Chicken.

Rebirth of Hope

2005-04-09T02:07:00.000-07:00

Angela and I spent a wonderful hour or so this evening sipping our $2.00 (avg price) Starbucks drinks while looking out across a Wal-Mart Supercenter parking lot and miles of smog enshrouded housing developments disapearing off into the sunset for as far as the eye could see. Ok, the setting may leave something to be desired, but the company and conversation were not to be matched. The contrast between our time together and the location did make me realize (again) that the world we were watching is not the world I want to be a part of. Neither really are the twenty story office buildings and shopping districts towards down town. I'm speaking of something deeper than just city life, suburban life, or country life; I'm speaking of life priorities.

My cynicism may not be crumbling yet, but it is under severe attack. I do hope. I do dream. I do believe. Never have I felt more strongly that God has a plan for me. I also believe that nothing in this world will bring me more joy than living this plan. God doesn't use the three dozen standardized degrees and their two hundred slight variations that colleges offer today. His every plan is custom made, designed unique to you.

School feels so backwards to me. I feel presured to become an "Accountant," a "2nd Grade Teacher," or a "Graphic Artist." Education, to me, feels like being molded to fit a label we call a career. Real education is supposed to be about enlightenment, learning to think, learning to ask questions and to seek answers. God's education might very well include a college degree, but then again it might not. There is nothing wrong in (gasp) other paths.

The bottom line is, "What is your goal in life?" If its to retire at 65, play golf, travel a bit, and pursue hobbies, a college degree and decent salary for 40 years is probably for you. Call me crazy, but this just does not sound like life. Life, to me, is living in dependence on God, financially, occupation wise, lifestyle wise... on and on. I doubt I'll ever be ritch, probably not even comfortably well off by American standards, but I will have so much more. I can't stop thinking "Choose whom this day you will serve." Truly serving God does not look like anything we call safe or normal. Paul followed God, I believe that Mother Teresa and the Schaeffers did too.

I think perhaps, we as American's are trying to make a new Heaven on earth. We work for 65 years, "pay our dues to society," and then get 20ish years of "Heaven" to enjoy. We even create miniature gated mansions with faux streets of gold in Florida called retirement communities where we play shuffleboard and watch the afternoon rain storm sweep through.

We start with the "education" years, then there are the "work" years, finally there are the "retirement" years. We are segregating society by work. "Work" now means "To make money." How wrong is this? I think "work" is supposed to mean "to be God's hands in His world." This is not limited by age; It doesn't start at 18 or 23 and doesn't end at 65, it is part of the identity we are born with. The big question is "How do I 'work' and still make money to support myself, and maybe a family?" I don't know, and I don't think that I NEED to know. Paul, Mother Teresa, and the Schaeffers didn't ask this question as far as I know. They did God's work, trusted in Him as the Supreme Employer to supply a paycheck, and like the "...lillies of the field and the birds of the air...," God provided.

Can one TRULY live on faith in our modern materialistic world?!?
I'm beginning to believe...

Death of Dreams

2005-04-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

How many of you dream? I don't mean running through endlessly recuring hallways like Scooby Doo or fify-foot banana splits. I mean dreams about life and your goals in it.

It usually starts at a very young age, wanting to be a fireman or a cowboy. As your perception and knowledge of the world and yourself grows, so do these dreams. Some people still want to be firemen, for which I am very greatfull. However, many people around my age are loosing their desire and hope for their dreams. (Maybe this is true of most generations. I'd love input from people on this.) I lost my barely formed dreams in the trap of cynicism. I'd seen the shows with men in mid life crisis. I'd read books with successful 70 year old men filled with extreme bitterness because of how life was ending for them. I'd also seen the films and read the stories with all the upcoming young people with bright eyes ready to take on the world. But, I was wiser than these characters because I knew how life would be in another 40 years.

I don't know where this cynicism that is so prevalent in my generation came from, but I have my guesses. The 60's and 70's saw American culture swing towards an optimistic world of peace, freedom, and happyness. By the end of the 70's, this culture crashed and burned in the realities of psychedelic drugs, STDs, and the truth that "mother earth" wasn't so mothering after all. I think its quite possible that America is now struggling with the tremendous cultural let down of those years and hopes. Add in the Korean, Vietnam, and Cold wars, the government scandals... (What about the Great Depression of the 30's?) I'm fascninated with these ideas, but I digress.

My point is that we are growing up in a highly cynical society. We don't trust anything or believe in anything because we are "too wise" to be taken in again. We laugh and scoff at everything. Don't believe me? Look at the popularity of Seinfeld and the Simpsons. Hope is shown to be hollow and then laughed at.

And our hearts' desires? Generally stuffed down before they can become full fledged dreams, fair game for society and peer groups to squash with "knowledge" and "reality." Yes, I realize that this is a very cynical view of culture in itself. I'm writing an extreme here, but I do think that the personal hope and dreams that can drive us on as children are called "childish" by society and our peers. We learn to replace them with ready made "Life Paths for Success," generally starting with your choice of 4-6 year stock college degrees, passing through two cars and a 2500 sq/ft house, and ending with retirement at 65ish.

The Blessings of Friends

2005-04-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

I forget just which wise sage is given credit for saying "If you want to count your true worth, count your friends." Let it be known that credit is due elsewhere. Personally, I feel like the richest man in the world.

I have two of the best parents to ever attempt raising a son. Let's just say that a son going through his early twenties and trying to start his own life is not the easiest person to stay connected with. Despite the desires and stresses of seperating and "getting off on one's one" that I have put them through, they have stayed true and still found ways to show their constant love and support.

My sister, Heather, also deserves special notice. I doubt a brother could be loved more by a sister. Even though I'm going through hard life issues and am not willing or able to reach out and speak with her frequently, she still comes through with the much needed pick-me-up note or in the case of this last Monday, an hour and half phone call on her dime.

Then there are Paul, Julie, Barbara, and Angela, the Healing Rooms gang. I came back from our regular Wednsday evening meeting a couple of hours ago. I just have to say, if anyone is near Dallas and needing help or support, be it physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, give them a call. These people are awesome! It is impossible to remain kicked, downtrodden, and miserable. These things can be overcome, and these are the people to help.

Special thanks also to my long time friend Marcy. Marcy's known me longer than anyone but my family and will not let me get away with ANYTHING ("so long as I don't tell her to stop"). Her first email in reply to my blog contained a paragraph upbrading me for the choice of the phrase "personal failings" in my Hurt, Time, and Grace post. In her own words,
"First, I think that is an extremely well put, very clear expression . . . but second, it is an expression of what I would term a challenge, not a failing. . . . and that points out another of your "challenges" : judgement. ...you are awfully hard on yourself a lot of the time."
Yes folks, I have a tendency to put myself down, and Marcy won't stand for it one second. (Actually, I know a couple of you who won't allow this.) I have to that Marcy is also very mindfull of people's fealings, which is probably why I recieved this as a private email and not a public post on my blog.

Friends, there are many more of you whom I have not addressed directly here. You are each valued and our experiences cherished. When I stop to think about all of you and what I have, I find it incredible that I could possibly have been feeling so down. I am so amazingly blessed.
Thank you

2005-04-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

Near L'Abri Switzerland.
Looking at these pictures, I can't believe that I ever left. This is not a doctored photo; it really looks like this. I yearn so much to have a life just beyond the big city bustle and with mountain views and paths to walk. However, I know my true desires are to maintain a community similar to the one I experienced here. The location would only be the icing on the cake.

Hurt, Time, and Grace

2005-04-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

A starting note: I am not trying to minimize or belittle the intense emotions that hurt and pain can be, nor am I trying to belittle the causes of such hurt. I am merely trying to talk about the tendancy (which I have in abundance) to internalize that hurt into pieces of our identities. Some people face and deal with pain (Kudos!), some merely accept...

Somedays (or weeks, or months...) everything seems to be going so wrong. You're feeling hurt, stepped on, trampled even, and then it happens, that little ray of light that shows you just how narrow your view of your current situation has been. This is not neccessarily a pleasent experience. It can be hard to accept the pain and suffering that you're experiencing, but once you do, its stuck to you like toilet paper to the bottom of a damp shoe. There is a fine line between experiencing and coping with pain and accepting it as part of your identity, a line that I am not experienced at differentiating.

I know this is one of my personal failings. When I'm hurt, the hurt often becomes part of me. Curran is not just a man experiencing hurt; he has, in fact, become the Hurt Man. Let's quickly review the downside to this shall we?
1) This makes me very sensitive about recieving hurt.
2) By becoming my hurt, the world suddenly turns into this massive entity that is "out to get me."
3) I won't even try to go into what this does to friends, family, and aquaintances. I am truly sorry for the pain that my selfishness causes you.
4) Moving beyond the hurt is now a much harder process because I am quite litteraly giving up myself. True, not a part that I want or even one that has been around for a while, but it is still a giving up of my identity.

This giving up of one's hurt identity is such a crucial piece of being a Christian too. This is just a slight variant on the "death of the oldself" while the new self is freed. God did not create us as sinfull creatures; repenting and giving up our sin is required in order to live the life He has designed. Likewise, God did not create us as hurt creatures; letting go of our hurt is also needed to truly live the life He has planned. Sin and hurt do not have a place in the people that God has designed, but they do have a place in free will and a fallen world.

Sadly, I don't always stand so strong. It hurts to admit it. I'm supposed to be better than this. I'm not this petty and selfish. But then again... I am... now. The beauty of God's grace is that He lets "now" become "then (past tense)." He doesn't give a free ride however, for "tomorrow" is becoming "now."

Lost in the Cosmos

2005-04-04T19:18:00.000-07:00

For no connected reason that I can think of, I have decided to post my ramblings in a public domain. I have not informed anyone, nor have I thought through the consequences of this action.

I am naturally an introvert and am becoming tired of it. I have thoughts and ideas like everyone else, however I don't necessarily shine in group settings... but, I can and do write. This is the beginning of my trial of public writings and musings. Perhaps more than anything else, I have simply grown tired of trying to connect my seemingly random MS Word documents into something that resembles a holistic or concise collection of thoughts (I would be pleased with either), and this may provide the insentive to do so.